Hello lovely!

I offer boundary coaching via email for $30. I offer boundary coaching via email for $30. This is the question Aline asked me and below is my response to her.

(All stories are shared with permission with identifying details changed.)

I’ve been dating this guy Edson for six months or so. He’s met my kids, I’ve met his kids (he has two kids that are teenagers), and we’re kind of starting to get a little more entrenched in each other’s lives? We’re getting a little more serious I would say.

I feel really good about him as a person. Obviously no one is perfect but I really like him.

Edson and his ex-wife Claudia split up nine years ago.

They are relatively amicable, they share the kids really well, they both really care about the kids, and they work together well with the co-parenting. But obviously they’re divorced. Things didn’t work out well between them. Sometimes she doesn’t like him and he doesn’t like her and they’re kind of fighting with each other but most of the time they are amicable.

In the past nine years he has had two relationships that got serious enough that they were meeting his kids and going to the kids sporting events and eventually meeting Claudia the ex-wife there. 

He told me that both times that Claudia met that girlfriend, Claudia said something along the lines of, “You better run! You might not see it now but Edson is a mess!”

Like an insulting “We’re going to commiserate together about this man”?

But I don’t want to commiserate with her? I really like him. Edson wasn’t a perfect husband or a perfect person but I think that’s rude to say that in front of him to his new girlfriend.

I need to figure out what to say. I’m probably going to be meeting Claudia soon. We’re talking about starting to go to kids events now that the season has started up again.

I want to have something to say but I don’t want it to be perceived as mean?

Because this is potentially someone that I might eventually have a co-parenting relationship with if Edson and I work out and I don’t want it to be super confrontational.

I want Claudia to know that it’s not okay with me to disparage Edson in front of me. I definitely don’t want to do this buddy-buddy “we hate this man together” bonding thing.

I’ve been sitting with it for a week and I absolutely cannot figure out what I'm going to say. Can you help me? 

When facing a situation where you need to say the thing without confrontation, I immediately think of using idioms.

An idiom is an expression that only has meaning in that language and usually doesn’t translate well.

For example, in English we might say, “He can’t see the forest for the trees”.

But in German they’d say, “Das ist ein Streit um des Kaisers Bart” (This is a dispute about the Emperor's beard”.

Or in Spanish it would be “No te comas el coco” (Don’t eat the coconut).

What I like about using an idiom in this context is that they are vague enough to be open to interpretation but also direct enough to make your point while keeping the peace.

If Claudia says to you, “You’d better run! Edson is a mess!” 

You could reply: 

“One woman’s trash is another woman’s treasure!” with a smile and a wink.

“Maybe a leopard can’t change its spots but I consider myself a cat person.”

“You’re barking up the wrong tree because I think Edson is great!”

“Your lemon is my lemonade. I really appreciate what a good dad Edson is. He told me [child whose sporting event you are at] has practice every weekend? [Ask a question to change the subject.] Do you carpool with other parents for that?”

If Claudia repeats herself or brings up the “warning” a second time, then I would escalate to being more direct in an amicable firm tone:

“That hasn’t been my experience.”

“I appreciate you trying to be a girl’s girl by warning me but I really like Edson so please don’t say anything like that to me again.”

“Maybe you’re right and he’s a mistake but it’s my mistake to make. I don’t want to discuss it.”

If Claudia brings it up a THIRD time, then you absolutely can just walk away from the conversation with a cool, “Excuse me.” and let Edson handle his ex-wife in that moment.

And a happy full moon tonight October 26th, 2026!

Warmly,