Hello lovely!

I offer boundary coaching via email for $30. This is the question Heron asked me and below is my response to her.

(All stories are shared with permission with identifying details changed.)

I recently moved to a new area that is a smaller town and people are always asking me where I live. I’m a middle aged woman and like my privacy. I don’t know what to say and the moments seem to catch me off guard. 

So here’s the typical convo I struggle with:

Them: “Are you from around here? Where do you live?”

Me: “Not far.”

Them: “Oh what neighborhood?”

I lose my words and stumble. I would like to shut this down but not be mean. Even if I manage to say something to be vague or offputting, they persist. Like being in line at the grocery store, the whole time they are ringing me up they are asking personal questions.

I just want to blend in but half the time I’m lost and clearly not familiar with the store etc. People here seem to know each other by name for decades. 

Would love to learn how to get the focus off me politely. Thanks!

If they say, "Where do you live?" in a small town it means they are seeking to find what connections you have in common.

It's a documented sociological phenomenon that tight-knit groups want to know if you are "one of them" so they can either accept you or reject you.

It's a shorthand for establishing trust and shared values by finding out who you know in common or if you live in the same neighborhood. 

On the one hand, it's a good sign that you aren't giving off immediate "outsider" vibes and they WANT to get to know you. 

On the other hand, if you're not used to it, it comes across as SO INTRUSIVE to ask strangers who their family is, where they went to school, or where they live! 

It has probably felt really awkward and rude to not answer those questions because to do so is swimming upstream in a social ritual.

Like refusing a hug at a gathering where everyone is hugging.

My point is if you're feeling weird about this, there's nothing wrong with you. The awkwardness isn't your fault. It's because they are operating from a script you're not carrying.

Your "how to interact with strangers in public" script comes from wherever you're born/raised. If that's a city, you comment on the weather, how late the bus will be, or how slow the check out lane is.

You don't ask people their family history or address in a city because the likelihood of there being shared elements is much smaller. 

So my first piece of coaching is to put on your anthropologist hat and recognize this is a small town normal social ritual to establish shared connections. When it happens (and it will happen over and over as long as you are "new" and until their curiosity about you is satiated), you can think to yourself, "Ah yes. The social ritual to see if I'm a safe local or an unsafe outsider."

I'm sure you've seen dogs sniffing each other's bums when meeting? That's what this is. They are sniffing you to see who you are. 

With that background, it gives you A LOT more options of how to answer "where do you live?" besides, "146 Maple Drive in the Saguaro Crescent neighborhood". 

You don't have to tell them where you live. Ever. At all.

You have my blessing, permission, and encouragement as a boundary coach to only share as much about where you live as you feel comfortable with.

Your interactions will go smoother if you have a predetermined set of answers to the common questions. Think of it like writing your own small town script!

encourage you to actually write out your own versions of my script suggestions below and memorize them. Adapt them to suit your speaking style and personality. 

"Where do you live?"

"Are you from around here?"

"Did you just move to the area?"

"I haven't seen you before! Are you new?"

"Which neighborhood are you in?"

"My family just moved here from Big City. Are you from here?"

"We haven't decided on a neighborhood yet; do you have a favorite?"

"We're just renting for now until we buy a house. I've been looking at the Prickly Pear Ridge area?"

"We looked at so many neighborhoods when buying our house. Have you seen the new development out in Barrel Cactus Township? Do you think those are condos?"

"We're new to the area so I don't know all the neighborhood names yet. Is this store considered part of a specific neighborhood?

"I'm from Big City but my husband's family is from Next Small Town Over so we moved here to be close to them. Do you know if there's another road to get from here to Next Small Town Over besides the highway?"

"I actually grew up here! Graduated Local High School in Year. What about you?"

"Oh, we're new but definitely here to stay. The plan is to build a house at some point. Do you know any local general contractors? I'd love to talk to someone who knows the area!"

Notice how every response both addresses their underlying question AND redirects the conversation back to them by asking your own question!

The goal is to make it through the social ritual in a quick, polite way that doesn't give away more than you're comfortable with.

I’m here for you.

Warmly,