Hello lovely!

I offer boundary coaching via email for $30. This is the question Nightly asked me and below is my response to her.

(All stories are shared with permission with identifying details changed.)

I invited my new partner Brite (he/him) to my annual family vacation to hang out with me and my kids, my sister and her kids, and my mom. Brite has previously met my mom a few times. I thought she liked him and approved of our relationship…but this vacation was ROUGH!

It started when we were on the front porch and Brite pulled up in his ugly old car. My mom whispered to me, “I could never ride around in a junker like that!” but then put on a smile to say hello and welcome to Brite?

Over dinner she made a point of mentioning several times the exact model of the fancy car my sister’s husband drives.

(The husband who is “too busy working” to ever show up to our annual family vacations.) 

When we were cleaning up the meal, there were two scoops of potato salad left. Brite ate the little bit left in the bowl with the serving spoon before he started washing the dishes. There wasn’t enough potato salad for leftovers so he saved it from going in the trash. 

He likes food!

He likes potato salad!

He even asked my mom for her potato salad recipe!

I thought what he did was totally normal but when we went into the other room, my mom started going off about it to my sister and I. “Did you see how much he ate? If I had known, I would’ve made more potato salad. It’s not healthy to be that big.”

She kept making disgusted faces and repeating herself until the kids came in and interrupted our conversation. 

The whole trip was like that.

My mom was nice to Brite’s face and then a bitch behind his back.

But I love Brite! I don’t care that his car is old. It works fine. I think his young-Santa-Claus body type is sexy! I’ve never been treated so well in a relationship. He is such a gem. This is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with!

Normally I would just tell my mom to shut up about it. But to make things complicated, she’s terminally ill. Mom has Stage Four cancer. The chemo hasn’t been working, she’s physically wasting away, and this was likely her final annual family vacation. The doctors say she probably won’t see next year.

How do I tell my dying mother to stop being rude about my man? What kind of boundary can I set here that’s still respectful of her condition?

My condolences about your mom. That’s really hard for both you and her that she is not long for this world. I understand wanting to be sensitive about what she can handle in these final months of her life. 

Her dying soon also gives you choices that most people don’t have when a parent disapproves of their new partner. Your mom isn’t going to be in the picture for much longer so you could choose to just…do nothing. Say nothing to her about her judgmental attitudes towards Brite.

Put it in a mental box titled, “Cancer Makes People Say Weird Stuff” and let it go.

Your man sounds like walking green flags! Your mom was being hypercritical and yet none of her objections are based on his character, his values, or how he treats you and your kids. The biggest flaws she could find are that he has an ugly car and likes potato salad?

That’s…not a big deal???

I think your mom is having complicated feelings about her family changing (you getting a new partner) right when she’s going through a massive life transition (dying). You said this is probably her final annual family vacation.

Is it possible she didn’t want it to be any different from previous years? That she was upset Brite was there at all but instead of owning those uncomfortable emotions, she criticized him to you instead?

I understand you wanting to invite Brite! This is probably the only chance you had while your mom is alive. You wanted him to get to know her a little bit while there’s still time! You’re seeing a future where Brite comes every year on these trips. You love him and you want your family to love him too.

Both your desires and your mom’s desires are valid.

Do I wish you and your mom could’ve talked this through before the love of your life pulled into the driveway in his junker car? Yes!

But by all evidence, your mom is not someone who can talk through complicated topics so that informs my next advice:

If she brings up Brite to you, change the subject.

Her: “Your sister’s husband has a much better car than Brite does!”

You: “I’m not interested in comparing Brite with my brother-in-law. Did you get a chance to pick up the whipped yogurt you like at the store? You said it was out last time you went?”

Her: “Brite is just so big! I don’t think it’s healthy to weigh so much!”

You: “I’m not interested in discussing Brite’s weight with you. I would love to hear about the construction down the street from you. Did you find out what they are building?”

Her: “It’s probably confusing to your kids that you introduced them to a new man so soon?”

You: “Mom, I’m not interested in discussing my relationship with Brite with you. I love him and we’re happy. I did want to know if you need a ride to the treatment center this Wednesday?”

Notice the pattern: no matter what she says, you come back with “I’m not interested in discussing that” paired with a subject changing question. 

I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any clarifying questions.

I’m here for you.

Warmly,