KAMI ORANGE: ON MONDAYS WE SAY THE THING
To that mean boy at the pool
Hello lovely!
I offer boundary coaching via email for $30. This is an example of what that looks like with the question Liesel asked me and my response to her.
(All stories are shared with permission with identifying details changed.)
Liesel asks:
We went to the community pool with my family today. It was pretty calm for the first hour. My seven year old son Handel was free to go down the waterslide as much as he wanted.
It got busy in a flash when a whole bus of kids on the same sports team arrived.
Handel didn’t want to wait in the suddenly long line for the waterside. He was trying to run to the front. I ran after him into the line and started leading him down the stairs to the back of the line.
Handel shrieked a shriek that rattled the metal bars on the railing. And it echoed through the pool area.
A boy probably about 12-14 years old in front of us looked down the stairs at Handel and then tapped his friends to get their attention. He reached his arms out as if lifting an imaginary object (implying picking Handel up) and forcefully pretended to throw "it" over the side of the railing while making direct eye contact with me. Then he dusted off his hands as if the job was done.
There was no mistaking his meaning.
I looked at his friends laughing and nodding in approval, then looked at my toes, took a deep breath so I wouldn't cry, turned around, and walked Handel down the stairs. Then we left the pool for the day.
On the ride home, l just wept.
I couldn't believe the tsunami of emotions and I feel so ashamed for not saying something in the moment. I should have stood up for Handel but I didn’t.
Please help me figure out what I could say next time?
Kami replies:
What that boy did is incredibly cruel.
It's a type of "joking" behavior called "edgelord" where people (typically men and boys) pretend to believe and act in ways that's on or over the “edge" of what is socially acceptable. They do it for attention and applause. The point is to be as extreme as possible for shock value. He wouldn't have done that if his friends weren't there to laugh at how "edgy" his antisocial behavior was.
When someone does something completely outside of social norms like that boy did, it's 100% normal to not know how to react! Please forgive yourself for not saying anything in the moment.
Getting Handel out of there was the most important thing.
In that specific scenario where it's preteen boys in a public place, the ideal option is to find the adults who are responsible for them and have a conversation with those adults. And/or find the people who run the community pool and ask for their help.
An example script to say to the adults would be:
"Hi, I’m Liesel. Are you responsible for the group of boys over there? [Get confirmation before proceeding.]
We were on the stairs to the waterslide a few minutes ago and the boy in the red swim shorts and blonde hair mimed throwing my seven year old over the railing.
I'm a mom and I would want to know if my son did something like that. I'm sure he's a wonderful boy who was acting out of character to get laughs from his friends but what he did is not okay. Will you please talk to him about this and how harmful it is to dehumanize people who are different from you? Thank you.”
Basically your attitude is a calm concern because it’s not okay for that boy to do that, even as a “joke”. You’re going into that conversation with the belief that his parents/guardians would also want to know. Because it’s a sports team of kids, there also might be a benefit to speaking with his coach if they are available?
If you’re in a situation where speaking directly to the “edgy” child or children is necessary, some short responses you could use are:
“Woah! Did you just pretend to throw him over the railing? That’s not okay.”
“Eww. No. It’s not okay to treat people like that.”
“What a cringe move.”
[Speaking to the “edgy” child’s friends] “Do you actually think that is funny? You’re better than that.”
[Speaking to the “edgy” child’s friends] “If he’s willing to make a cruel joke about a little kid, it’s only a matter of time before he makes cruel jokes about you too.”
I hope that helps you be prepared for the future! Let me know if you need anything clarified.
I’m here for you.
Warmly,
